The Second Child

It’s about time I wrote a blog post about my daughter.

Over at my blog, the Random Ramblings of a SAHM, I have a total of 36 tags for my son, but only 17 for my daughter.

Maybe it’s just because my son is that little bit older than my daughter. He is almost three, after all, and she’s only just about to turn one.

But I have this sinking feeling it’s because she’s my second child, and he’s my first.

My baby girl.

Allow me to explain.

I remember just after my first child was born, my son, I was obsessed with doing everything just perfectly. I think most new mums are, aren’t they? Fixated on making sure their child has the right nutrition, enough sleep, the right clothes, educational toys, enough tummy time, optimal social interaction and is read at least one book every day.  The introduction of solid foods was thoroughly researched and regimented. Bath time was a production line of creams, massages and powders.

As my son got older, things didn’t ease up much. Being a stay at home mum, I was lucky enough to be able to take my baby to various activities to optimize his potential, not to mention help ease the loneliness and isolation I was feeling. We went to mothers group, play group, swimming lessons and story time at the library. Most of these groups and classes continued as he grew older, and various play dates and outings were added to the schedule as I made friends with other mums through all that social activity.

By the time my daughter was born, when my little boy was 21 months old, my husband and I no longer qualified as ‘new parents’. The Bump- that’s my daughters nickname- was born to two qualified, certified baby wranglers. While her arrival did cause a big fuss, as new babies generally do, the attention lathered on her was tempered in regard to a potentially jealous two year old. And rather than creating and defining the schedule of the household as our first child did, she just slipped into the one that was already there.

The first time around, my husband and I were happy to adjust our child-free lives to accommodate the needs of a newborn- it was just that there was so much adjusting to do. In contrast, having a second child, and especially so close in age to the first, meant she was instantly drawn into the whirlpool of family life- nappy changes, bath time and trips to the park. Rather than being rubbed down with oil at bath time then massaged with lotion, the Bump got a quick dunk in the bath with her brother then shrugged into her pyjamas- hardly a relaxing experience. Instead of solids being regimented and planned, they just seemed to happen when she was about six months old. Rather than having activities focused and planned around her, most days she just came along for the ride.

My two cheeky children.

In the initial months of two-child-parenting, I felt guilty about my son no longer receiving the complete, one-on-one attention that he once had. A wise friend of mine reminded me that my daughter would never have that- 21 months of uninterrupted ‘mum time’- and she would be just fine, so how could I feel guilty about my son not being the only child anymore? Sage advice, for sure, and it worked as a balm for the guilt I felt over my first child having to share me. But I still have not found a philosophy to completely ease the second-child guilt I feel over the fact that my daughter will never receive the individual, intensive attention my son did.

I try not to feel too bad about it. After all, she still receives all the benefits and socialization of the compenents still exist of our pared down social calendar- swimming lessons, playgroup and various playdates- but it’s a far more diluted effect. And while she socializes with children of her own age, it’s more by coincidence, in that many of my friends have children with the same age gap as my own.

So the Bump has slid in, and adapted to life in our Purple House. Her first twelve months have not been as intense, nor as stressful, as my son’s. I don’t think any of this will do her any harm, especially considering she is just as loved and doted upon as our first child, and the attention is divided equally between them now that she is here.

It’s just that I never needed to prompt myself to spend one-on-one time with my son, because there was no competition.

Some days, I do have to remind myself to spend intensive with both my children individually. Just as sometimes I have to remind myself to appreciate the little things about my daughter, her development and her personality, as intently as I did with my son.

To appreciate the way that she is as sweet as sunshine, and laughs so easily. The way she likes to fiddle with little things- she’s a fine motor kid, where my son’s strengths are gross motor skills. How clever she is, crawling and cruising around, clapping her hands at six months old. The way she eats everything in sight, but prefers sweet to savory- except strawberries, which are her favorite food.

I remember, being pregnant the second time, other mothers kept warning me how much it would shock me, discovering the subtle differences between my two children. Amazingly, the very first thing I noticed when my daughter was born was the difference between her and my son- how dark and coarse her hair was, in comparison with the fine blond of her brothers. And while I do try not to compare them, I can’t help but notice the differences between my children-the way my daughter is timid and tentative in new situations, where my son would charge in with gusto. How my daughter likes to cuddle and snuggle into people’s chests, while my son preferred to be independent.

Some days, I feel like I walk a very fine line between treating my children fairly, and appreciating the individual traits that make them unique. Between recognizing that some things are inherent and unavoidable for my daughter, being the second child, but also not allowing her to be disadvantaged by that.

And trying to keep in mind that, in the scheme of things, being a second child is hardly a problem. While I may worry about the effect it has on her, and what she is potentially missing out on, it’s certain to have it’s advantages. A big brother to show her how to crawl, clap and be cheeky is just the beginning.

A huge thank you to Lori. If you are not already reading Random Ramblings of a SAHM you’re missing out! I had never thought about the second child, I was born first and had my mum for a massive ten years before my sister came along. I remember feeling second best as they were all over my little sister. I guess it is different when there is such a huge gap, because I was no longer a child.

Would love to hear your thoughts..